Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

A blemish. A stain. A grotesque, endemic infestation.

Am I describing botflies? COVID? A raging outbreak of mono? No.

I’m describing the trees.

The Guilford College trees are a disgrace to our campus. They take up valuable space on the quad, block natural sunlight and are generally just an eyesore. They obstruct our view of campus buildings and are always in my way whenever I’m walking around the metaverse with my VR headset on.

Those trees on the quad are taking up useful real estate. If we were to chop them down, we could build a new research laboratory, complete with only the highest quality out-of-date textbooks, better dorms with 50 percent less mold, or even that crown jewel of development, extra parking!

Now, I know some people may be worried about the livelihood of the campus squirrels. But never fear. I have a plan. Squirrel apartments. We can charge a total market rate rent of 30 acorns a season and help ensure that Guilford College will be financially solvent in the future.

I know that my claim might encounter some opposition from those with green thumbs on campus. But we don’t have to listen to those tree-huggers and let them get in the way of Guilford’s development.

Guilford College needs to move forward into the future. Forget outdated majors like “English,” which we all already speak, and “Sustainable Food Systems” when there’s a McDonald’s open across the street. No need for those “unique campus features” like the three-week term, or any tenets of Quakerism.

It’s time for a new Guilford College. One ready to lead the Greensboro area in serious research, not distracted by liberal (woke) arts. Prepared to be a powerhouse, enrolling an enormous 2,000 students, not a measly 1,100. And one that builds its campus around a pretty, perfectly paved, perpetually precarious parking lot!