Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
At 6:35 p.m. on Sunday, March 17, Nathan the Guilford College Quaker Man boarded a flight to visit students studying abroad in Brunnenburg. Unbeknownst to the Transportation Security Administration, Nathan was packed to the brim with high quality marijuana, or, in technical terms, “dank weed.” When he returned on Saturday March 23, he was promptly arrested in a joint TSA and CIA operation.
“You can’t argue with the facts; mascots are bad news for airports,” said TSA screener Ingrid Benson. “Some of these new employees don’t understand that they’re supposed to have mascots remove their heads. Others, well, they don’t want to discriminate.”
To combat the recent financial crisis, a large number of Division III mascots have been smuggling drugs to supplement their schools’ income. Just last month Herm the Lion, mascot for the Old Dominion Athletic Conference’s Eastern Mennonite University Royals, was arrested for attempting to sell bath salts to local coffee shops.
“This represents a growing and disturbing trend,” said Associate Professor of Sports Studies Robert Malekoff. “You’d think that the legalization of performance-enhancing drugs in sports would be good enough for our athletics program, but no. Now our mascots have to smuggle drugs so that we can keep above the red. You can call it a black hole, just don’t call it a solution.”
Student reaction, however, has been positive.
“If what they say Nathan did is true, then more power to the big guy,” said Guilford junior physics major Taylor Seitz. “This school not only needs money, but publicity. Something like that is sure going to entice prospective students to attend Guilford. It gives the school an air of danger. I like danger.”
While abroad in Brunnenburg, Nathan reportedly sold enough marijuana to “placate all of North Korea,” according to internal CIA reports obtained by The Guilfordian.
“Nathan was a hit with the Dorf Triolians,” the internal reports continue. “They were singing songs and laughing, but it was all just a cover as his contacts snuck up behind him, unzipped his back, and pulled the grass right out of him. They were smart, but we were smarter. All we had to do was arrest him in the States when he returned.”
In the video of the arrest, Nathan appears calm. His expression never changes, and he offers no resistance.
The internal report also makes multiple references to college President Kent Chabotar, implicating him as the true mastermind behind the smuggling. The report details how acquired drug money was funneled to an account Chabotar opened under the name “Spurtz Wahtur” to fund the construction of multiple fountains across campus.
“If you print that, then your (butt) is grass!” said Chabotar in an interview during his open office hours.
Despite this worrying trend, Nathan the Quaker Man seems to have returned to campus unscathed by the ordeal. Under article 4.20 of the Mascot Rights Act, mascots can only be incarcerated until they start to smell — the average period of which is six days.
Nathan was asked to comment on the incident.
“Mmmph phmphmph, mmbubphm,” the mascot said upon his return. “Nthmph ntumguh brrrrrrlig ytth.”
DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.
