Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
Silence is the new international trend as prominent religious world figure Max Carter leads the now most-practiced religion on earth: Quakerism.
Also known as the Religious Society of Friends, Quakerism is a Christian-based religion that believes that the Light of God is in everyone. Friends have a central foundation in the testimony of peace, and they traditionally worship by gathering together and sitting in thoughtful silence.
“I love to sit in silence,” said Max Carter. “I sit for hours every day. It gives me the opportunity to get the dirt out from under my fingernails and review all of the random facts floating around in my head.”
The recently resigned Pope Benedict IX retired after a tragic hip dislocation while twerking in January. Doctors have said he is a very “passionate dancer.”
“They just couldn’t handle my moves,” the Pope told The Guilfordian. “No one has seen a pope like me.”
Since his resignation the world’s interest in religion has taken a turn, and many who previously identified as Roman Catholic have shifted to the practice of Quakerism.
World leaders have named Carter a strong peace figure. Carter said he is “eager to bring simplicity to the world.”
“I can solve that Israeli-Palestinian thing very easily,” said Carter. “What they need is an ad hoc committee to select a nominating committee to form a discernment committee that can identify what approach might be best in bringing the two regions together,” explained Carter. “After they determine the method, we’ll look into forming a committee to discuss implementing it.”
But not everyone is as optimistic about the transition as Carter.
“This is an outrage,” Pope Benedict XVI told GNN. “A Quaker should not be leading global religion. I don’t want some hippie running the Church.”
Moments of silence have replaced the national anthem in 30 countries, including the U.S. Worldwide, all soccer games have begun with at least 10 minutes of silence since Carter’s appointment.
“This kind of publicity is a dream come true for Quakers,” said Carter. “Now we can sit silently out in the open instead of inside each other’s living rooms!”
Economists claim the popularity in Quakerism could save religious groups millions of dollars if they switch to unprogrammed worship.
Abandoned buildings would serve as an adequate worship space, and the meetinghouse benches used for seating are the same ones that were erected in the 1700s, so no new purchases are required.
However, while Quakerism reaches its all-time high in participation, other religions are declining in support.
Buddhism is being mocked after Snoop Dog changed his name to Snoop Buddha and started making “zen music.”
Several sects of Christianity are facing ridicule after televangelist, pastor and founder of the nondenominational World Changers Church International, Creflo Dollar, used church funds to open a smoothie shop naively named Jesus’s Juice.
“As a Quaker, I consider everyone a friend, and it saddens me to hear of the hardships other religions are facing,” said Carter.
For decades, Quakers have been wrongly identified as hippie, Mennonite or just plain weird according to Carter.
“I am tired of the false labeling,” said Carter. “Heck, you can call me Holy Father, just don’t call me Amish.”
DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.
