Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, the Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
In the past few weeks, the phrase “Quaker terrorism” has taken a turn from ludicrous oxymoron into devastating reality.
A Quaker extremist group has surfaced, calling itself Friends United Front to Advance Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Environmental Concerns and Passive Aggressive Conflict Resolution Through the Guidance of the Spirit, more commonly known as FUFASPICECPACRTGS. Starting on Feb. 23 and continuing until press time on April 1, the group has been terrorizing Greensboro and the surrounding area.
Sources say the group has national and even global ambitions.
The mission of FUFASPICECPACRTGS, other than remembering their own acronym, is to bring the destruction of all the Wal-Marts, firearm stores and non-hybrid cars it can get its hands on. Greensboro and the surrounding area has been in a panic, trying to handle the new terrorist group.
Many detractors have pointed out that Quakers cannot destroy anything due to their nonviolent convictions.
“How do they expect to destroy that Wal-Mart?” said Greensboro resident Josephine Jones last Thursday as she watched members of the group holding a peaceful demonstration in front of the future Wal-Mart location near Guilford College.
“The only weapons they have are knitting needles and gardening tools. And I’ve heard Quakers are all about peace anyway.”
Impressed community members who saw the events unfold had no idea just how influential the Quaker extremists could be until the end of the rally.
“I have no idea what happened,” said Guilford student and rally witness Alex Johnson. “One second the Wal-Mart was sitting there almost finished. The next, it was in shambles. It was incredible.”
Since the tenets of their faith do not allow the Quaker extremists to use weapons, they seem to have destroyed the building through sheer force of will. Experts speculate that their inner peace and resolve allowed them to accomplish this feat, although the specifics of how they did it remain unclear.
“They lifted the whole building into the light, and then let it drop, which destroyed the entire construction site,” wrote web blogger Grace Downing, whom sources confirm was not present at the event. “I saw it myself. The whole thing came crashing down.”
The Quakers have been using this newfound telekinesis, previously thought to be scientifically impossible, at the location of every rally so far.
Residents throughout the area, moderate Quaker and non-Quaker alike, have been taken completely by surprise by the power of the new group. People are scrambling to regroup as the loss of Wal-Marts, gun stores and gas-guzzling vehicles devastates the local economy.
However, according to a recent report, the infamous fighting Quakers have been stymied for the time being.
Last week, one 12-year-old member of FUFASPICECPACRTGS pointed out that taking down so many buildings brick by brick destroys a considerable amount of history.
“We don’t know all of our history, even with all the old books and documents we keep,” said the spunky young zealot, whose name is being withheld for her protection. “It’s totally likely that the Hummer dealership we’re planning to destroy tomorrow used to be a stop on the Underground Railroad, you know?”
The adults leading the group were stumped, and the rampage has been put on hold. They have not left their meetinghouse for the past week as they try to decide how to move forward via traditional Quaker business practice.
Opponents of the group now have time to regroup. No one knows when the nonviolent terrorists will come out of their meetinghouse, since sources say they are stocked with a month’s worth of mac and cheese, vegetarian casseroles and other assorted potluck dishes to fuel their never-ending decision making process.
During this crisis, many are wondering where the moderate Quakers are. The Guilfordian approached dozens of moderate Quakers for comment, but they were all busy contemplating in silence.
“I think,” said local moderate Quaker Patricia Woolman-Naylor.
She then paused to think and lapsed into a contemplative silence that lasted for the next two hours.
Back at Guilford, William R. Rogers Director of Friends Center Max Carter admitted he had recently considered replacing his bicycle with an SUV since his grandchildren will not fit in the milk crate on the back of his bike. However, he changed his mind.
“I heard about this terrorist Quaker group, and I was afraid of getting disowned or, worse, dismembered,” said Carter.
He then considered getting a family-sized hybrid car, but because some Quaker divisions support Toyota hybrids, Honda hybrids and others, while old-school conservative Quakers support Volvos, he decided not to take sides in order to avoid offending anyone.
“I’m back on my bicycle and trying to figure out if I can get a larger milk crate,” said Carter.
So while the Quakers look for a compromise that promotes fairness and integrity, the rest of us can contemplate how those other Quakers had a really good point about Wal-Mart, guns and fuel-inefficient cars.
It was so well thought out. Maybe we could get behind that.
