Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
A battle cry roars over the polar ice cap that is Antarctica. A swath of black and white figures can be seen marching across the frozen tundra toward the only mark of civilization: an oil rig.
Protestors hold signs that read “Home melting, drilling must stop!” and “Water poisoned, halt emissions now!” An unlikely figure leads the charge against humanity’s appropriation of natural resources and destruction of habitats across the world.
“We have gathered here in protest to declare war against human civilization,” said Emperor Penguin, leader of Begin Earth’s Revolution Now. “Today in Antarctica we protest oil drilling that poisons our home. In the Amazon, sloths and jaguars have come together to fight logging. Species around the world are declaring war. It’s time for the human race to feel the BERN.”
The scale of animal rebellion has seeped into political debates. Some presidential hopefuls have even attempted to sway species through speeches. Republican candidate Sen. Ted Cruz recently addressed the black rhino population.
“In the last 15 years, there has been no recorded warming,” he said, hoping to coerce the hardheaded beasts to his side.
Similarly, back in Antarctica, Royal Dutch Shell was seen handing out pro-fracking flyers to a population of tuna. Unfortunately for Cruz and Shell, both efforts were reported failures.
Tanya, a killer whale and marketing advisor for BERN, explained the issue before turning back to her favorite show “Downton Atlantis.”
“Cruz, my man, the black rhino population is extinct,” she said. “And those tuna, they’re being bribed. I mean, who gives a flying fish? This is a whale of a problem. They represent 3 percent of the ocean population, the other 97 percent of us have our gills on straight.”
When asked about the garbage patch in the Pacific Ocean reportedly the size of Texas, Tanya’s toothy smile turned a shade too dark for our reporters to remain at the scene.
Even the traditionally camera-shy beavers of the British Isles spoke vehemently about their country’s recent renewable energy budget cuts.
“Absolutely outrageous,” said Beaver Protest Coordinator Charlie. “Prime Minister Cameron just spoke in Paris about ‘taking action against climate change today.’ Now we hear about 85 percent cuts in solar energy and abandoning on-shore wind projects? Blimey! It’s just one dam problem after another.”
While some animals are prepared for battle, others use their popularity among humans to stage peaceful yet heart-wrenching protests. A film crew for The Goofordian just returned from the bamboo forests of Southern China.
“We are loved by humans,” said Da Xiong Mao, giant panda and public relations advisor for BERN. “But pollution is bad. Our country burns too much coal, and we all suffer. Today us giant pandas, all 1,600 of us, will go on a food strike. We will not eat until humans change their ways.”
The thought of humanity’s most beloved and iconic creature starving itself has sent cities to the brink of chaos. In fact, in North Carolina, Guilford College students joined forces with a local flock of campus geese. The unlikely coalition traveled to Raleigh and harangued Gov. Pat McCrory, who was already feeling the BERN for other issues.
“I had no idea what fun geese are,” said Nathan Quakes, a first-year. “They have a great sense of humor and an incredible vocal range perfect for protesting.”
An interspecies struggle like this is unprecedented in history. A global uprising of animals looks to send the world into a war unlike any other.
How this catastrophe will play out, only time will tell. But even time is scarce.
The message to humans is simple: change your ways, or we will BERN.
